Just like writing, relationships are tough.
Relationships with friends, family, partner(s), colleagues. Just like the me that wrote “It’s your duty to be happy” one year ago, I still find myself feeling unhappy. Less confused definitely, but still unhappy.
Unhappy because I understand myself more, unhappy of how and who I’ve grown into, unhappy for even trying to be happy.
In the end, I shamelessly know, I’m nothing but sad.
There’s no duty to realise
Ignorance is bliss.
When I wrote “Counting Sheep”, my life had seemed like it was getting better. Realising and finding the relationships I need to build to get better in shape, to realise it isn’t as hard as it seemed. In contrast to today, today, I’ve taken a dive back down negative, just like the oil price back in April. But unlike the oil price, it had never spiked up again.
I’ve become more and more anxious with every interaction. With my non-existent common sense, I do and act out things that felt normal. But behind the scenes, I had found that I was inconsiderate – which really scares me. Sometimes, I wished that I had never known.
There’s no duty to realise, because it happens naturally – in the shower. Or by being called out for it.
I don’t deserve to be happy
In this already negative post, let me just sprinkle a teeny tiny bit of light, and a dash of salt later.
Losing someone dear to me was painful, and I still grieve till to this day. But through the grieving process, I felt only gratefulness for the time I’ve spent with her. Grateful for the support, care, and learnings made throughout.
I was happy.
So for the future me who feels unhappy, I hope you read this and the first 4 blog posts on this blog. You might cringe out of oblivion…– Js, It’s your duty to be happy
And to the past me who wanted to encourage current me, thanks for making me cringe to oblivion, for reading my horrendous writing, and for realising all my unhappiness strive from relationships.
Till this end, I’ve learned one thing about myself.
I’ve learned how much I hate how for all the negative posts I’ve written, it ended on a positive note.